Agent Ashley
by Michael Bartels
Summary: Ashley Graham is sent some random place to rescue Leon Kennedy. Chapter 5 now up.
1. Agent Ashley

**As this is my first fan fiction, it will not be not as good as other ones, so bear with me. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story and others.**

Agent Ashley Graham stepped out of the old piece of crap that the two Spanish "cops" called a jeep. She was glad that the long ride was over. One, because the two idiots kept flirting with her and two, because her butt hurt. She couldn't believe that she had to save Leon S. Kennedy, she hated him. She heard what he did to Claire after they left Raccoon City. It scared her, it would scare anyone. Even though she dreaded it, she had to save him, she was being forced to. She had a picture of him in her back pocket just in case she found any villager that spoke enough English to know who she looking for.

She took out her handgun just in case there was some random bear or something that would try to kill her on her 2 ft. walk up to that creepy old cabin in the middle of nowhere. She walked right up the steps to the strangely unlocked door like she knew whoever lived there and proceeded to search the bookcase for random, but useful, items. After she found nothing of use to her, she went up to creepy old man that was poking something in the fireplace with a stick. "Excuse me sir", she asked, hoping that the guy would know English," have you seen the man in this photo?" The man just starred at her with no sign of intelligence. After a half an hour or so, "I guess you don't.", said Ashley, and turned to walk out when the guy lunged at her with a random sharp object, conveniently just lying around, but unfortunately tripped and it just lodged itself into his face.

Once she heard the disease infested, zombie rip-off fall, she turned around and shrieked like a 5 year old when she saw the guy getting back up. "AHH! WTF!?" she quickly took out her handgun, suddenly questioning why she didn't bring a better gun with her, and shot the thing in the head. Almost as soon as the zombie rip-off fell, again, she heard a truck engine start up and, as curious as she was, naturally looked out a window. The truck quickly sped past the house and apparently, hit the crappy old jeep, knocking it into the water below. _Serves them right_, she thought when she heard a few shouts in Spanish, which she had no hope of understanding. "They teach me how to jump out windows and not get hurt, but they don't teach me Spanish", Ashley said suddenly forgetting about the freaky zombie things outside, "Hell, they don't even tell me where I'm going, or give me a decent weapon!"

Ashley suddenly snapped back when she heard the things outside trying to break down the door that magically closed when the truck passed. "And who the hell closed that door!?" she said while she ran up that stairs that she just found. When she got up stairs, all she found was a window and a door." Well I guess the only logical thing to do is to jump out a second story window and land perfectly unharmed." Ignoring the unlocked door to the side of her that had some stairs that led outside and jumped out the second story window. After she landed, magically unharmed, she turned to the fake zombie rip-offs that where in front of her, gun ready.

Ashley quickly brushed the glass off of her clothes and took out her gun. The three zombies quickly surrounded her just starring. Ashley then took this time to reload her gun and run like hell. She did the most obvious thing to do, go up to the porch and wait. She stood there filing her nails for 10 minutes, until the zombies realized she left. Ashley was still filing her nails, as the zombies threw their various farm tools at her. Being the great marksman they are, missed terribly. One zombie hit the one in front of him, while the other one managed to stab himself. Ashley, finally done, stepped over the corpses of the three dead zombies and was on her way.

After a long and uneventful trip, she came across a door which, apparently, led to a small farming community. Why they would need that I don't know. Just as Ashley was about to open the giant door, she gets a call on her radio. "Hello?" Ashley said, "Yes. Ashley, have you made it somewhere in the middle of Europe yet?" said Hunnigan. "Yeah, but I was attacked by four things that obviously are zombies." "Huh well, that's unfortunate. Well I'm sending you a manual that will tell you things you already know." Ashley somehow received a whole folder from Hunnigan. "Hey, why didn't I get this at the beginning? Wait, I don't need this! I know how to shoot and everything! How do you think I got this job!?" She said, now enraged, "Um...yes. Well, I have to go back to being a useless background character now. Bye!" The transmission ended.

Ashley then somehow opened the giant, heavy door and went through. She walked up the path way to the village, and as being as curious as she was, stopped and saw some random peaceful farmers, who had a lot of twins, seamed harmless. Now convinced that there was no danger, Ashley put her gun away and walked up like she lived in the village. As soon as some random villager saw her, they all dropped their weapons and darted toward her like they were on fire. Ashley, having not noticed the hundreds of villagers charging at her, continued to walk casually to a random house. She went inside, since it was unlocked, again, and went upstairs to lay on the bed.

Just as she was about to lay down, the door to the house was broken down. "Holy crap!" Ashley yelled and quickly drew out her puny little hand gun. But realized she was trapped. Since the only logical thing in a situation such as this is, of course, to jump out another two story window. As she recovered, again unharmed, from the fall, the zombie impersonators didn't noticed she left even though she made a noise loud enough to wake the dead (A/N Ok bad pun.)

Ashley quickly ran into another house only to be greeted by a psychopathic, chainsaw wielding, freak. Ashley shrieked and ran away. Now she was being cased by a ton of psychopathic, homicidal villagers and a chainsaw freak. She then spotted a conveniently placed tower and ran towards it. _They'll never get me up here_, she thought as she climbed up it. Just as she climbed up the huge tower she looked out and saw that the villagers magically equipped Molotov cocktails and were ready to throw. "Oh WTF!? Come on!" she yelled as she franticly climbed down the tower.

She then ran up a nearby hill which was a dead end. "Well, this is it." she said and prepared herself for the mob of angry villagers coming toward her. She began to shoot and, one by one they fell until, only everyone's favorite psychopathic homicidal chainsaw wieldier was left. Somehow she didn't run out of ammo and shoot him until he died. Ashley did a little victory dance. This was then followed by a robot.

She then proceeded to pick up little treasure chests, all of which looked like it held the same amount of money, and ammo dropped by the villagers. Ashley then wondered why the villagers would carry ammo and treasure boxes with them and walked to the exit.


	2. The Old Crappy Farm

**Sorry this chapter is short, but I having trouble coming up with ideas for this. **

**I'd like to thank _YearsAreJaded_, _ALICE IT'S RAINing_, and _shymouse_ for being my first three reviewers. Thanks guys.**

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Ashley went through the huge, heavy gate and stepped into an old, dilapidated, crappy farm. Just as she walked in, some crazy female zombie came out of nowhere, chasing a cow with a random plunger. As Ashley walked up the path, she came across an old, dated typewriter. "Wonder what this is for?" She asked, talking to herself like a moron. Since she had nothing better to do, she started to write an extremely long novel. "It's not like I'm on a mission or anything." She said, completely forgetting about Leon.

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"Hello?" asked Leon, just waking up in a room with no lights at all, making it completely dark. "Ahh! WTF?! I'm blind! Nooooooooo!" he screamed, and started crying. "Would you shut the hell up already!?" screamed Saddler, that was getting more and more annoyed by the sissy Leon, "You have been crying like a baby the whole time since we took you!" "I just want a lollipop." He said, sobbing. "Alright, fine! Someone get him a friggin' lollipop already!" Saddler commanded to his dimwitted minions.

After about an hour, the dimwitted zombie came back with a lollipop. "Finally what the hell took so long? I had to listen to that baby in there cry for over an hour! It made my ears bleed!" said Saddler. "But there was traffic!" said the minion zombie, trying to think of an excuse, "I don't care if there was traffic! Just give me the lollipop!" He took the lollipop and threw it into the room. "Thank you!" said Leon, miraculously finding it in the pitch-black room, and started singing _Girls Just Want to Have Fun_ "Damn." said Saddler and walked away, covering his ears.

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After about five hours, Ashley finished half of her novel. Which she named, "Adventures in Puppy Land" and put it into her backpack. "Oh crap! Leon!" she said, suddenly remembering about her mission, "Ah, who cares anyway? He'll survive….hopefully." As she walked up to a dirty well, and saw something shining, hanging on a hook. Since she didn't think to just grab it, shoot it and, of coarse, shattered an, the pieces fell into the dirty water. "Damn, I could have used that!" she said, and shot at a villager fifty feet away in anger. But the other villagers didn't care and continued with there endless farm work.

Ashley, now over the piece of jewelry, walked out of the farm passing the idiot farmers along the way. They didn't even notice and kept working. She opened the door and stepped onto a path with a sign with two skulls hanging from it. "Seems pretty safe to me" she said, and walked onto the path.

The three villagers, who were in charge of pushing the boulder, sat there watching _Barney_ and didn't even hear the giant door slam as Ashley walked in, and didn't even notice her. Ashley walked down the path and stopped at an oddly placed tunnel that was there for no reason at all. She spied at least three shining things and, not learning her lesson from the last time, shot at all three of them which made them shatter into pieces. Now enraged again, Ashley, even though an animal lover, shot at the poor, defenseless bats, brutally killing them all. "Oh well, I'll just make Daddy buy me some jewelry when I get home."


	3. The Freaky Spanish Guy

As she stepped through the old sewage pipe, Ashley came up to a bunch of houses that were crappier then the other houses in the old village

As she stepped through the old sewage pipe, Ashley came up to a bunch of houses that were crappier then the other houses in the old village. She walked toward the houses, when she heard a sizzling sound at her feet. Not knowing what it was, she shot around her feet like she was taught which made the source blow up in her face. Somehow, she was not blown to pieces, and brushed off the dust on her. Then, with a stroke of bad luck, she stepped on a bear trap which attached itself to her foot. Angered, Ashley shot all the bear traps and innocent villagers around her.

Of course, now she couldn't get it off. She tried pulling it, slamming it, hitting it against a tree and a cow, but nothing worked. Soon she just gave up and limped toward the crappier shed in the back. As she limped up to the shed, she started to hear banging, coming from the back room. Ignoring the explosive lines, and walking right into them, she slowly limped to source of the sound.

She opened up the conveniently placed wardrobe and she stepped inside it. Inside she found a winter wonderland, no, a freaky old Spanish guy that was tied up. She carelessly ripped off the tape from the freaky guys mouth, taking off the beard no one knew he had in the process. "Ouch! A little rough don't ya think?" he said, while his face was bleeding. "Why would I care" Ashley said still trying to figure out if he was a zombie or not as if it wasn't obvious.

Just then the "Big Cheese" walked in out of nowhere. Ashley, quickly forgetting that he was, like, 20 feet taller then her and attacked him with the bear trap attached to her foot. While the freaky old guy just sat there just staring at Ashley's idiotic move. Ashley, having her well thought out plan foiled, quickly got flicked onto the ground, literally, and somehow, got knocked unconscious. While Louis just gave up and knocked himself out.

Ashley woke up tied to the freaky guy who immediately, after noticing she was awake, told her his name, Louis. Then he started telling her his life story. Ashley, not caring, pretended to fall unconscious, which, apparently, worked. He then started to feel around for some "gum". Ashley was just about to break his jaw, when a random zombie came in with an axe. When it tried to attack, Ashley rolled out of the way and, in a stroke of luck, made the chains break. She then proceeded to kick the zombie in the face making it, somehow, bounce off the wall onto the floor. "Wow" they said in unison. Suddenly scared, Louis ran off shrieking like a little girl.

"Strange." Ashley said. Now with bear trap mysteriously off her feet, she could walk properly. She began walking toward the exit where the scared Louis ran away from, when she saw a strange, obviously drunk, freak walk past the door. Of course, the completely safe thing to do was to follow the drunk, of course. So she did just that. Ashley came up to the drunken man when he started talking to her. "Got something that might interest ya, stranger" "I don't think I want to see it, thank you, and my name is Ashley." "What are ya buying, stranger?" "Nothing and I said my name was Ashley!" "What are you selling, stranger?" "Damn it! I don't want to buy anything from you and my friggin name is Ashley" "What?" the merchant said. "Damn it!" she shouted and ferociously shot the drunk that was smoking a pipe. He fell to the floor dead, and Ashley quickly stole all his ammo and weapons and walked off.


	4. The Short Return of the Idiotic Villager

**Sorry for the short chapters, I'm having trouble coming up with ideas for this and i've been busy with school. But don't worry this story won't die out yet!**

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Ashley wiped the blood from the drugged merchant off her clothes and opened the big gate. She peeked out of the crack from the gate and saw at least 40 dimwitted villagers walking around like retards, which they were. She started walking when she stepped on something. She looked down and there was the greatest weapon of all, a chicken wing! Ashley quickly thought of a plan and was preparing it. Finally she found the right moment and through the quicken wing down the bottomless carven which, somehow, the little village was built around. The idiotic villagers, forgetting about the bottomless pit, jumped after it and fell to their deaths. She then just sat there, wondering how they built the village here, especially the bridges. Then, after about a half an hour later, she finally figured it out, it was magic ("Its Magic" starts playing in the background)!

Ashley started to walk to the door and when she made it up there realized it needed a key. "Ah, damn it!" she shouted at the door, like it would respond. Being extremely lazy right now, she took out her rocket launcher she stole from the dead merchant and shot it, which did nothing at all. "WTF!?" she shouted again, at the door. She then took out the infinite rocket launcher and blasted it to kingdom come. Finally a miracle happened and the door blew off. After that she picked up a green herb which she ate, which of course made her drunk and high. Now she was lost, drunk, stupid, and high, nice combination.

She stumbled around the corner into an explosive line, which she just brushed off and kept walking. She walked toward a bunch of dynamite throwing villagers and a bunch of bear traps, which she just walked past and the idiotic villagers threw the dynamite sticks at her which landed next to their feet. She then walked through the rest of the place until she got to a sewage like containment room. Ashley, being drunk, walked up to the iron bar fence and fell into the water below.

She became sober instantly and it took a while for her to figure out where she was. But, when she did, she quickly ran out and climbed up the ladder to the concrete above. "Ahh! My hair!" she then tried to dry it with anything she could find, which didn't work. So she then just gave up and tried to figure out what had happed up to when she fell into the pool below. After a while, she just gave up and went toward the latter to who knows where.

Ashley came up to a nice villa that looked like it was still lived in and walked up to it. She stepped inside and came up to a crystal ball type puzzle. Still feeling lazy, Ashley took out her infinite launcher, again, and shoot at the door like 50,000 times and it finally opened. "I think it would have been easier to solve the puzzle." She said, out of breath, and walked into a big master bedroom. She walked in and searched the room like it was hers, then when she was done searching fell asleep on the bed, completely forgetting about Leon. When she got up, she went to the door and heard talking. Slowly, she opened the door…. (Big cliff hanger right?).


	5. The Villa

**Sorry for the long wait and short chapter. I have some writer's block and I can't think of anything. But, enjoy anyway.**

Ashley opened the door and suddenly heard someone running toward her. Suddenly, she was picked off of the ground and was thrown through the air, out of a two story window and hit the ground. Hard. Groaning in pain, she reluctantly sat up and looked up at the window where she was thrown from. She looked up and saw Chief Mendaz glaring at her. He started to lean out the window, like he was going to jump but didn't. He started to yell down to her "You didn't touch my diary did you!? If you did I will hunt you down a kill you. Count on it!" But he walked away before she could answer. Suddenly, she heard a loud crash coming from the second floor she could hear the chief shouting something but she couldn't understand him.

After hours of searching, she finally found a way back into the villa. She walked back into the hallway where she fell. "Something's different here." she said to her self. Maybe its the giant hole in the ground but she won't notice. She jumped over the hole and continued her meaningless journey.

Ashley opened the door and went to an outdoor area. She stepped forward a few inches when she heard a chainsaw rev. "Holy bang when a dynamite exploded right in front of her. Amazingly, all of her limbs were intact and she ran back into the villa, with a hoard of angry zombies chasing after her.

Ashley ran inside and slammed the door. Surprisingly, there was a pile of wood and nails right next to her. But, she didn't notice the huge pile and instead, she picked some flimsy sticks and piled ten of them next to the door." That should hold them out" she said to herself and poured herself some tea from the kitchen and sat down in a recliner.

Not surprisingly, Ashley soon saw a chainsaw cut through the door, and the sticks and the whole mob of morons began piling into the room. "OMG!! Hax!!" Ashley said practically choking on her tea, and began running for her life. Being the moron that she is, she totally forgot about all the weapons she stole from the merchant, particularly the rocket launcher.

While she was running the rocket launcher I just talked about, fell out of her inventory onto the floor, which she then tripped over and fell onto her head. _ Now _she remembered about the weapons and started to aim it and the mob coming right at her. She fired and…..

She missed, horribly. Instead of hitting the massive mob, she made a giant hole in the first and second floor of the villa. "Crap!" she said and ran out from the villa right before it collapsed killing the mob.


End file.
